Monday, March 25, 2013

Happiness at what cost?

At what cost do we live happy lives in 2013?  Think about that.  Are you happy?  If you were not happy, what would you be willing to change to become happy?  Your marriage?  Your job?  Your location?  Who you call family?  

I was raised by people who I can easily label "deniers of their own happiness."  Married after World War II, and three children born in the three subsequent decades, my parents were hard-working providers.  I doubt they thought much of their own contentment on a daily basis.  What they thought about was saving money for their kids to go to college, planting a large garden each year in order to feed us the original "organic" veggies, and doing what was societally required of them.  

So why do I have this sense of entitlement?  And are we even "entitled" to be happy?  I have one more child to put through college and lots of bills to pay, like everyone else.  Perhaps the right is not mine to even seek happiness, but I beg to differ.  It's hard to go through each day questioning whether or not you're the biggest idiot in the world for sticking with something that truly does not bring you satisfaction or happiness.  This, my eighth year teaching secondary English, causes me constant distress.  I wish God would tell me that I've affected my quota of children and I can move on.  Of course I probably haven't, but some days I just don't know if that's the most important issue anymore.  The politics of schools has become so much more complex, and the players involved often seem like robots that have had both their hearts and their brains removed.  Today I was called into a meeting to basically be told by the principal how stupid I am.  I am not perfect, I'll admit, but neither is anyone else.  So exactly how long does one subject themselves to what feels like a constant beating?  Do you change schools, or do you change careers?  What do I owe myself?  And what am I afraid of?