I began the day by sleeping in till 9:30. 9:30!! For someone normally up at 6 am each day, this is an amazing luxury. We start each day by walking the dogs. Then it was off to Starbucks for coffee, off to a credit union to close out an account for Katie, then to Z Gallerie and Target, with lunch from Cheddars. Once home, I did laundry, cleaned the back porch, played with the kitties, napped, then off to the dog park to get eaten alive by gnats and mosquitoes. I would like each day to be less "busy." I would like more time to read, garden, and just "be." But was I happy today? Yes, I was. It was all very lovely, and I look forward to tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Summer...day one
Today was my first "official" day of summer. I always start the summer with the best of plans and intentions. 1) I'm going to write every day 2) I'm going to read every day 3) I'm going to figure out what I truly want for my life and make a plan on how exactly to achieve that. The problem is, I always fall short on all three. 1 and 2 are easy....3, not so much. I will be 48 years old on Friday. One would think I would have my life figured out by now. I feel like there are some parts left unattended to, or overlooked by the craziness of life. Contrary to my last post, teaching has made me happy at the end of the year. The amount of grading I had to do was still not something I could keep up with. That is a constant problem. Part of what I need to "figure out" how to handle.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Happiness at what cost?
At what cost do we live happy lives in 2013? Think about that. Are you happy? If you were not happy, what would you be willing to change to become happy? Your marriage? Your job? Your location? Who you call family?
I was raised by people who I can easily label "deniers of their own happiness." Married after World War II, and three children born in the three subsequent decades, my parents were hard-working providers. I doubt they thought much of their own contentment on a daily basis. What they thought about was saving money for their kids to go to college, planting a large garden each year in order to feed us the original "organic" veggies, and doing what was societally required of them.
So why do I have this sense of entitlement? And are we even "entitled" to be happy? I have one more child to put through college and lots of bills to pay, like everyone else. Perhaps the right is not mine to even seek happiness, but I beg to differ. It's hard to go through each day questioning whether or not you're the biggest idiot in the world for sticking with something that truly does not bring you satisfaction or happiness. This, my eighth year teaching secondary English, causes me constant distress. I wish God would tell me that I've affected my quota of children and I can move on. Of course I probably haven't, but some days I just don't know if that's the most important issue anymore. The politics of schools has become so much more complex, and the players involved often seem like robots that have had both their hearts and their brains removed. Today I was called into a meeting to basically be told by the principal how stupid I am. I am not perfect, I'll admit, but neither is anyone else. So exactly how long does one subject themselves to what feels like a constant beating? Do you change schools, or do you change careers? What do I owe myself? And what am I afraid of?
I was raised by people who I can easily label "deniers of their own happiness." Married after World War II, and three children born in the three subsequent decades, my parents were hard-working providers. I doubt they thought much of their own contentment on a daily basis. What they thought about was saving money for their kids to go to college, planting a large garden each year in order to feed us the original "organic" veggies, and doing what was societally required of them.
So why do I have this sense of entitlement? And are we even "entitled" to be happy? I have one more child to put through college and lots of bills to pay, like everyone else. Perhaps the right is not mine to even seek happiness, but I beg to differ. It's hard to go through each day questioning whether or not you're the biggest idiot in the world for sticking with something that truly does not bring you satisfaction or happiness. This, my eighth year teaching secondary English, causes me constant distress. I wish God would tell me that I've affected my quota of children and I can move on. Of course I probably haven't, but some days I just don't know if that's the most important issue anymore. The politics of schools has become so much more complex, and the players involved often seem like robots that have had both their hearts and their brains removed. Today I was called into a meeting to basically be told by the principal how stupid I am. I am not perfect, I'll admit, but neither is anyone else. So exactly how long does one subject themselves to what feels like a constant beating? Do you change schools, or do you change careers? What do I owe myself? And what am I afraid of?
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